Waiting
by evan elric
Summary: One year after the events of episode 25, Kazuki muses upon his interactions with Soushi and what might have been. KazukiSoushi slash. Please read and review.


**Waiting**

He's gone.

I can't believe it. After all that… He's still gone.

I was going to confess to him after we got back, too. I knew he felt the same, but he just didn't know how to express it. For Soushi "There is a vending machine eleven steps from my room" means "I'd like to walk these eleven steps back to my room and throw you on a certain one of the four pieces of furniture in my room, but can't because I'm stoic and impassive and emotionally repressed so I'll distract myself from visions of you in my bed by leaving the room where the bed is." But that's just the way Soushi is.

It's been almost a year, and I'm still not over him being gone any more than I was right after I got back. I try and keep on a brave face, but I see the pitying looks everyone gives me when they think I'm not looking. Except Maya. Her looks are pitying, but there's a more calculating edge there, too. But I don't love her.

I had a whole plan, too. I'd probably get out of the infirmary first, and on the day he got released I was going to go and decorate his room for a romantic evening. Well, at least put up more than the single picture he has. Then I'd go and pick him up from the infirmary.

He'd probably insist on checking on everything with the Fafners, and the Siegfried System, and probably on Tsubaki, too, but after that he'd be tired. He wouldn't show it, because that's not like him, but I'd help him to his room, and he wouldn't protest. He'd walk along, leaning on me ever so slightly, not saying anything. Then we'd arrive at his room, with the lights off and candles softly glowing on his desk.

He'd tense slightly, and softly breath my name.

"Kazuki…"

I'd pull him inside, enough for the door to close, then move in front of him and pull him into my arms. He'd remain tense, but slowly relax. I would hold him just that little bit tighter, knowing that I could have lost him. Or maybe that's just hindsight talking, because I _have_ lost him.

But after his shock had worn off, and he was sure I wouldn't run away or break if he touched me, he'd put his arms around me, too. Then I'd bury my face in his hair, his long, beautiful hair, and whisper back to him.

"I was so scared, Soushi. I was so scared I'd lose you…" and his arms would tighten infinitesimally, and I would feel his breath on my neck. I'd savor the sensation of finally being in his arms, and then pull back slightly and stare into his eyes. I'd place my hand on the side of his face, reassure myself that he really was there, that I wasn't dreaming, and kiss him. Just a gentle brush of lips, but suddenly Soushi would be tense again, his arms around my waist no longer a comforting weight, but the slightest movement against my clothing. His eyes would be wide as I pulled away, shock written on his normally impassive face.

"Ka… Kazuki?"

I'd smile then and shake my head at him, and he'd be confused. I'd do anything for him, and he knows it, but he doesn't know how to respond to any stronger representation of how I feel for him. I'd put my arms back around his neck and hold him, smiling into his neck briefly, until he put the pieces together in his mind, and his arms settled against me once more, and I'd look at him and his eyes would be smiling in the candlelight, and he might even actually smile, too. That in turn would make me smile as well, and then he would regain that confidence he always has, and kiss me back.

It would be light at first, tentative, and then as Soushi became more comfortable in this new sensation it would deepen, until we were both gasping for air. I'd look into his eyes and find the warmth from his smile had changed into a different kind of heat, and that would send a shiver down my spine. I'd softly place my hand on his face and run my thumb over his scar. It would send a shiver through him, but a different kind than the ones his hand caressing my back through my shirt are causing in me. The hand would still for a moment, but the soft smile I'd give him would cause it to continue, and I'd look into his eyes and tell him the words that I'd known I'd say since I left the island.

"I love you, Soushi."

I know that there's more that would happen, but after that… I can't think of that. Because I never did get to say those words to him. He's gone, and now it doesn't matter what I would have done. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"Kazuki!"

I turn, roused from my musings to be greeted by a panting Canon standing in the doorway.

"What is it?" Canon is never less than composed, even a year after the end of the war. It sometimes reminds me of Soushi, but there's a slight difference between her detached obedience and Soushi's emotionless capability. Canon takes a deep breath and regains her focus just enough to get out a few words.

"Soushi… here… infirmary…"

Then I am out the door, running down the hallway toward the infirmary, to Soushi.

_Soushi, ore wa koko ni iru. Koko de omae o matte iru. Zutto._

_Soushi, I'm here. I'll wait here for you. Always._ – Kazuki, ep. 25

_Ima nara wakaru. Tatoe, kurushimi ni michita sei demo, boku wa sonzai o erabu darou, mou ichido, omae to deau tame ni. Omae ga shinjite kureru kagiri, itsuka kanarazu kaeru… omae ga iri bashou ni._

_I understand now. Even if life is filled with suffering, I will choose to live in order to meet you once again. As long as you believe, I will surely return someday… to where you are._ – Soushi, ep. 25

Thanks to Dark Cyradis for help with the translation!


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